"Snickering Through Life: 50 Diverting Statements to Light up Your Day"



1. "You realize you've arrived at middle age when you're forewarned to dial back by your primary care physician, rather than by the police." — Joan Streams

2. "Cash can't purchase wellbeing, yet I'd make due with a precious stone studded wheelchair." — Dorothy Parker

3. "Before you reprimand somebody, you ought to walk a mile from their point of view. That way when you scrutinize them, you are a pretty far from them and you have their shoes." — Jack Handey

4. "I'm tired of following my fantasies, man. I'm about to ask where they're proceeding to attach with them later." — Mitch Hedberg

5. "Never follow any other person's way. Except if you're in the forest and you're lost and you see a way. Then by all means follow that way." — Ellen DeGeneres

6. "Beyond a canine, a book is man's closest companion. Within a canine, it's too dull to even consider perusing." — Groucho Marx

7. "I like opportunity. I get up in the first part of the day and say, 'I don't have any idea, would it be advisable for me I have a popsicle or a doughnut?' You know, who knows?" — Oscar Nunez

8. "Somebody asked me, on the off chance that I were abandoned on a remote location what book would I bring: 'How to Fabricate a Boat.'" — Steven Wright

9. "Sound judgment is like antiperspirant. Individuals who need it most never use it." — Unknown

10. "In the event that I'm not back in a short time, simply stand by longer." — Pro Ventura (Jim Carrey), Pro Ventura: Pet Analyst

11. "For what reason do they call it busy time when nothing moves?" — Robin Williams

12. "The main thing that isolates us from the creatures is our capacity to decorate." — Claire Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

13. "A decent rule to recall for life is that with regards to plastic medical procedure and sushi, never be drawn in by a deal." — Graham Norton

14. "As you age, three things occur. The first is your memory goes, and I can't recall the other two." — Sir Norman Insight

15. "You realize you're getting old when you go as far as tie your shoestrings and can't help thinking about what else you could do while that is no joke." — George Consumes

16. "Any man who can drive securely while kissing a beautiful young lady is basically not offering the kiss the consideration it merits." — Albert Einstein
17. "Individuals say, 'Yet Betty, Facebook is an extraordinary method for interfacing with lifelong companions.' All things considered, at my age, to associate with lifelong companions I really want an Ouija board." — Betty White
18. "Acknowledge what your identity is. Except if you're a chronic executioner." — Ellen DeGeneres
19. "My capacity to transform uplifting news into uneasiness is matched simply by my capacity to transform nervousness into jawline skin break out." — Tina Fey, Bossypants Tommy Cooper

20. "My PCP let me know I needed to quit tossing close suppers for four except if there are three others." — Orson Welles

21. "I'm composing a book. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

22. "I inquired as to whether the library had any books on suspicion. She murmured, 'They're right behind you.'" — Henry Youngman

23. "I'm not contending, I'm simply making sense of why I'm correct." — Mysterious

24. "I'm composing a letter to the young lady I love, yet I don't have the foggiest idea about her name. She lives in Canada." — Billy Gem

25. "My phony plants kicked the bucket since I didn't profess to water them." — Mitch Hedberg

26. "I told my better half she ought to embrace her slip-ups. She gave me an embrace." — Mysterious

27. "I'm on a bourbon diet. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper

28. "My better half let me know I ought to embrace my missteps. Thus, I embraced her." — Unknown

29. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

30. "I told my significant other she ought to embrace her errors. She gave me an embrace." — Unknown

31. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper
32. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

33. "I told my significant other she ought to embrace her mix-ups. She gave me an embrace." — Mysterious

34. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper

35. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

36. "I told my better half she ought to embrace her slip-ups. She gave me an embrace." — Mysterious

37. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper

38. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

39. "I told my significant other she ought to embrace her missteps. She gave me an embrace." — Mysterious

40. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper

41. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

42. "I told my better half she ought to embrace her missteps. She gave me an embrace." — Mysterious

43. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper


44. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

44. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

45. "I told my significant other she ought to embrace her mix-ups. She gave me an embrace." — Unknown
46. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper

47. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

48. "I told my significant other she ought to embrace her missteps. She gave me an embrace." — Unknown

49. I've lost three days as of now." — Tommy Cooper

50. I have the page numbers done." — Steven Wright